Hi Phil
Below is a rough draft of a script I'm preparing to send to a voice over to see how much they would charge me. Could you read through it and recommend either something else I could put in or what I could improve upon.
The Mappa Mundi is a map created in 13th century which depicts the world. Not only does the map represent the world but it also represents life and death and how they are connected to each other. After a terrible battle, the spirit of a knight rises from the ground onto his horse. Upon his horse he prepares his journey towards Judgment Day. As he passes onwards he glances back at his servant who calls to him ‘pasaval’, pass on. The knight continues towards the realm of St Peter to be judged. The book of St Peter holds all the names who are blessed and who will spend eternal life in heaven. If the Knight’s name does not appear in the book he will descend to hell.
Hi Charlotte! I know I'm not Phil, but here a few quick grammatical fixes in the meantime!
ReplyDeleteYour first sentence doesn't make sense - Do you need a fullstop after 'century', and then follow on with 'It is a map...' perhaps ?
'After a terrible battle,(comma)the spirit of a knight...
'The book of St Peter holds (you are missing the 's') all the names of those who are blessed...'
Hey Lev - I'll get to this asap - it's OGR time for Year 1, so I'll give it the once-over tomorrow - at some point - but hey, Jackie's looking out for you already :)
ReplyDeleteHi Phil
ReplyDeleteOk great thank you ^^
Hi Charlotte! In the absence of a very busy Phil, it's me again! :)
ReplyDeleteJust had another look at your draft script - I think it would be useful to get the voice-over back asap, as this will help with timing etc when putting your previz together.
Ok, so first of all I have found this -
http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dhgYlhXJy_QC&pg=PA22&lpg=PA22&dq=mappa+mundi+passe+avant&source=bl&ots=LFaxMsl1-S&sig=iN0xPit7sIh4YHmrMvud5wH28H8&hl=en&ei=FTG6Tu2HFs35sgbn75XDBg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CBwQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false
Here you will find the actual words the servant is saying to the horseman...'passe avant', as you say, 'pass on', or 'go forward'.
Right back at the beginning, I am wondering if at the end of your first sentence you should have something else, like '...depicts the world as it was imagined in those days'. If you just say it depicts the world, it sounds as though that was actually what the world was like!
You definitely need to have an 'of those' before the 'who are blessed' bit.
Hope this helps!
Jackie
Phew! Caught you before you edited the above!! I also meant to say, it's best if rather than just editing the orignal post above, you repost it with the amendments done - that way, people can see what the original was and how it has changed...otherwise, the comments that follow the post don't really make sense anymore! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Jackie, I'll create a new post with the edited version on :)
ReplyDelete